I need to stop coming to work sober
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
