Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
