apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
