while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
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Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
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don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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