Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
