Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I know her cup size but not her name....
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
