Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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