How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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