It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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