My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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