those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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