It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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