next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
