I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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