Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
