I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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