the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
