I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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