I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
two words...techno handjob
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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