I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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