he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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