I puked a lego.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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