I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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