That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
