so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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