the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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