I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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