This is not my ceiling
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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