you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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