what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
