I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
