when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
