Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
even my farts smell like vagina
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
