He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
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he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
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Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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