I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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