alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
