Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
