i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I need moral support for this bender
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
