I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
