you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize
