I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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