dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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