the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
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She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize