I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My ass is underappreciated
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
