Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
