Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
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He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
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Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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