so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
