I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
