im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
soo... how was my night?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
