my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
