You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
3pm strippers are depressing
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
