I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
