my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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