Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
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I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
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I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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