We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Gay?
German.
Pity.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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