last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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