I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
