my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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