When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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