Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
