forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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