forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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