is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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