apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
