found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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