Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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